Hello from Singapore.
Randomly felt like writing today so here I am. I cannot blog from my work laptop and I don’t have a personal laptop so I guess that’s why I haven’t been really confiding in this space. I do realize though I am getting really forgetful of what happened in the past year. (Signs of aging maybe.) Perhaps it’s the convenience of the instant posting of photos on Instagram stories. I’ve been spending far too much time there. As much as it is easy to just instantly posting a photo of that moment, it doesn’t feel the same as documenting it and writing it down here.
A lot has changed since my last personal post on this blog. Somehow ended up moving to Singapore despite being really hesitant about it in my early 20s. I didn’t want to be away from my parents should anything touch wood happens and ironically, I moved here during a pandemic where it’s really hard to go home. It’s been a year so far and I guess when I made the decision to accept the job offer, I mentally told myself that I should expect to not be home for at least a year. It still hit hard though.
After what happened to Dad where he got hospitalised when I was away for a work assignment in Vietnam, I think that incident really scarred me, like what if I couldn’t be home in time? At that time, I felt that the people around me couldn’t empathise with me and just wanted me to carry on doing my work as per normal. I still think about that incident a lot. This was constantly ringing in my head when I was here. What if shit happened and this time I can’t go home?
When the cases were rising rapidly in Malaysia, my anxiety skyrocketed. It hit hard. We took it for granted and still had gatherings, but until someone you know catches it, then only we get terrified. I did lose some relatives and close family friends to COVID-19. Mom and dad were hesitant about the vaccine initially but after a month of trying to coax them to get the vaccine, they ended up signing up for it and going for it. It did make me feel a sense of relief. And I’m glad they are privileged enough to stay home.
The firm offered free therapy sessions and that was the first time I attended therapy. I only attended the first session though because they don’t seem to have weekend slots. I wish to perhaps sign up on my own, because I feel like I have a lot to work on myself. There’s a lot of things that happened in the past few years that I kept bottled up in me. I feel like I couldn’t move past it and I feel like it’s time to address it.
Back to moving to Singapore, I live sort of alone now and am currently in my 2nd rented room. I don’t think I’m really alone because I still live with other housemates in the house. So I felt that I did get somewhat personal space from my family, but I had to learn how to live with strangers. Since it’s in the middle of a pandemic, I work from home too, and at times it feels that I’m cooped up and stuck in my room. At home at least you have some sort of freedom to move around anywhere in your house, like the dining area or the couch. Plus when the cases were getting serious, I was terrified to head out. So I guess I was kinda in a bad headspace for awhile.
I learnt so much about myself here. I always wanted to experience moving away from home because I didn’t have the chance to do so while studying. I thought I would have more freedom to head out and about, no curfews etc. I wanted more personal space. Explore new beginnings and try out new things, meet new people.
Perhaps it’s because I came here during a pandemic and alot of the things I’m able to do are limited. I find it hard to establish a new social circle, perhaps it would be easier to move here during the earlier years of my career where people usually move here together at the same times and go through the whole cycle of moving to a new country together.
I am a person that is generally comfortable with being alone. Back in Malaysia, I went to the gym alone, I often go out to the mall or cafes alone because I simply appreciate the time that I have on my own. So I thought I would do okay here. At times it can get pretty lonely, being away from family.
Having to plan and cook your own meals. Wash your own dishes. (At home I wash dishes too but you realize how tedious it is to wash the dishes and pots and pans a few times when cooking). Learnt that mom takes care of us so well, since we were young until now. And I also learn that I am very similar to her. In terms of cleaning habits like living in a clean space, laundry habits. I guess she trained me to be this way, and my siblings too. So having to live with strangers I got to adapt to the fact that they may not grow up with the same habits.
I kinda got into purchasing house plants, and am pretty proud of myself on how they are holding up so far. I’ve always wanted a fiddle fig, ficus elastica, monstera and I bought all of them. Still have asparagus fern to cross off my to purchase list but I’m not sure if I have room for it. They are pretty therapeutic to spend time with though, watering it and wiping down the leaves once a week, and trimming off damaged leaves so that the nutrients of the plants can be fully utilised by the healthier leaves.
I bought an OEM set of the Les Mills smart bar. I got to admit, I don’t work out as I used to before. Some days I push myself to spend 30 minutes with myself. But I haven’t really been motivated to work out. I really miss going for group fitness class a lot. It has really changed my life.
I haven’t really had the motivation to go shopping for clothes. I haven’t been dressing up or putting on make up. Maybe it’s because I’m home most of the time. I have been telling myself to do so, to feel a little bit better about myself.
I went back into external audit, but in a sort of new industry. I guess audit is still audit, no matter where you are. But I see things with a different perspective now, after being on the other side. Not sure if I’m going to regret putting this on the internet. I’m way less emotionally invested towards my job. I have come to terms that it’s just a job. But yeah, I feel money and sometimes, the corporate hierarchy, turns people into ugly beings, to do less but want more, to step on others, to make others feel inferior. Some days I question if I’m too weak for this, but I guess it doesn’t hurt to be nice to everyone, to take things as a lesson on what you don’t wanna be, and there’s more to life than just money, hierarchy and your job.
I do wonder if people younger than me think I’m having my life figured out as an adult but honestly I’m still as clueless as they are.
That’s about it for today I guess.
Hopefully I’ll write more soon.
To those who stumbled upon this update, stay safe and take care, wherever you are.
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