Change

Haven't checked in in awhile and yeap, have some thoughts to spill again, hence I'm here.

I've been drafting this post again and again and I just can't seem to write down how I'm really feeling about everything.

Currently sitting in a cafe for a work trip in Kuching, honestly there's nothing much to do here. Not sure is it because its the city centre and I have to get out of town to do the nature nature stuff.

Anyway, it feels like I'm going through a difficult time in my life right now. *not being dramatic*

Just feel lost and that I'm not doing what I like to do at the moment. Need to remind myself that if I'm not doing anything about it, then I'll just stay in the same miserable pit hole.

I don't feel the same way about certain things in my life right now, ie. what I prioritize, what I want for myself..... And I'm trying to come to terms with that, that it's okay to feel this way. Taking the plunge into the unknown where I'm not sure what or how the outcome will be like... But I do know that I will be much much happier.

I'm not quite sure of what is the trigger of me starting to feel this way where I feel that what I do on a daily basis may not add any value to my life anymore, or neither does it gives me that sense of achievement anymore.

Perhaps its... Growing up and finding that my world doesn't revolve around my career, to the extent where you miss out on life where you don't get to have time for yourself - like watching that TV series everyone is talking about, or even feeling good about yourself - dressing out, going out, working out, or even having time to spend with your friends and family. Time doesn't wait for anyone, and as and when you grow older, you feel that time passes way too fast and there is only so much you can do in a day.

It's scary being at this age where we are supposed to feel secure about everything - getting a degree, having a career that you work your ass off to buy a car, buy a house, buy properties. But like the internet quote says, did anyone really wonder, if a person works so hard to achieve these things, is the person in a good state of mental wellbeing? Is the person happy?

So I went to one of my regular coffee stops one day to catch up with one of my friend, where I saw the barista previously posting on instagram about how his life nearly ended because he got into a total loss accident. So before I left I had a short chat with the barista, and asked him how was he? How did the accident happen?

Instead it became a conversation about me. About how obvious it is that I am really really am so unhappy with where I am in life right now. And its good that I have that awareness on what I want for myself in my life ie. to do something which I'm happy with, and find it fulfilling. He mentioned that if I know what I wanted, why not just try and go for it? Rather than slave my life at a job and at 40 or 50 years old, regret on the things that I have not done. He mentioned where I am still young, if things doesn't work out then I could always go back to current job.

Another thing which I really found spot on which was where he said, you probably am thinking about judgment from other people. How people will judge you if you left your job. How people will judge you if you started a business. How people will judge you if you failed at your business. But why.... Why do I need that validation from other people and why am I always searching for it? Who the fuck cares what they think?

It's honestly tough to not care about what other people think about me. But I'll try to improve on this.

I know that from what I'm writing here it totally sounds like a eat, pray, love moment, but it's not. I'm still aware that I need money to support myself for my remaining lifetime, pay my car installments as well as to support my family.

2018 was a year that was quite bad for me, in terms of my emotional state of mind. I've been finding ways to deal with it where I binged on whatever food and drinks that gave me temporary happiness, and whether its drinking it up during the weekends so that I could just not deal with whatever that was going on with my life. Or going to gym. Or staying at home to nua for the weekends after working my ass off on all weekdays. Work was well, honestly, not giving my 100% into it, but I still have to press on because I still have to be responsible, suck it up and do my job and get a pay cheque at the end of the month. Or not let other people clean up after my shit (where I hate cleaning up other people's shit at work too). But it really added on to my unhappiness a lot.

But 2018 was also the year where I met a few gems, got closer to some people whom I didn't expect to be close to, and drifted apart from some people who I felt like I couldn't relate with or was too emotionally draining for me. Initially, I felt quite bad about this, but after talking to mom about it, she said that I have tried my best as a friend, and it happens.

In 2018, I started to talk to my group fitness instructor, like after 2 years plus of attending his class. Personally find this person so so passionate about his job where he has been teaching for 10 years and when you attend his class he makes sure you give your 100%. Not every instructor teaches with such passion. Still damn shy of talking to other people in class, but yeah I shall try working on it this year. Attended classes on a consistent basis too after coming back from Vietnam and settling down with my weekly routine again. It's something I look forward to at every end of the day, and somehow for this year my target is to finish the whole class as in do the lunges, squats and push ups properly wtf. Hope to keep up with this this year!

Speaking about passion, I really hope to find out what I myself am very passionate about where I will give my all in doing, and want others to have interest and enjoy what I do too. How to find out what I like to do and what is my passion, guess its time to embark on this trial and error journey, time to explore. But I'll have to remind myself that a journey like this is definitely not going to be easy.

2019 will definitely be the year of changes, for the better I guess....

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