Sunday, February 21, 2016

Much Feels.

11pm // 11.2.2016

Am comfortably in bed right now but feel like just writing a paragraph of how I feel lately and I will because its my blog. The start of 2016 has been tumultuous. I have had many frowns and shed many tears because of both things that matter and things that don't matter.

It's halfway through peak and to be honest I'm dying. I'm not coming to work feeling like I want to learn anything anymore. I feel like a constant disappointment to my parents and the people who relied on my work. I really don't see a point staying at work till so late every night because I have to admit I have not been very effective at work lately. I feel I need to count my blessings for being able to recur in my previous engagement again because my current one has taught me many things mainly to appreciate efficient clients!

I feel so lost in my life. Is this the job I really want to continue doing? When should be the right time to quit and what do I want to do next? Why is earning good money so damn tough?

Other than that, I've been trying to keep a distance and drawing a line on who is a person worth keeping and who is not. Why in the first place am I doing so? I feel betrayed and hurt I guess. Anyways I do not have the time to layan so many people either. There is a reason why I am still tight with certain people in my life. We don't have to see or talk to each other everyday, heck we don't need to report on what are we doing or eating to each other, but when we meet up, we have lots to share with each other. If any thing in my life was to crumble, I know I still can count on their backs. In fact, I feel that if you want to talk behind my back, might as well you ask me directly on what the fuck do you want to know about me, that would make things so much easier rather than being given all sorts of attitude. Am I supposed to make things right now? I feel sad about it but to be honest I don't think I should do anything about it because I realized these people do not exactly care about me, they care more about the piece of juicy gossip they will get out of me.

I know I haven't been exactly the bestest friend ever in the 22 years of my life but I'm thankful for the handful of people who stuck around during the good times and the bad times and also watched me grow.

To be honest, I have gotten scared of meeting new people already. I mean I enjoy meeting new people but sometimes I can't help but to doubt on what intentions these people have. I just have this thought that certain people in my life only associate with you when they need something from you.

I just want to live my life, do my thing and not get in anyone's way but somehow I just get involved in unnecessary shit.

Maybe I am the one who is flawed. I don't know how to handle people well and I don't know what's the definition of a friend. I don't know lah. I guess I should learn to put more effort in the (very little) extra time I have now.

Besides that, in the past few months, I went out with someone but things didn't work out. There is nothing much to write about here, except for the fact that I feel very terrible about it. From the start, I should have trusted my gut feeling. Sometimes, I need to learn to stand up for myself and learn to say no so I won't end up hurting both myself and the other party's feelings as time goes on. I guess I really really need to learn to accept that not everyone in your life is there to stay despite the fact that you really want them to.

I guess at this point in time, being in a relationship or dating isn't what I really look forward to when I am already struggling with everyday life.

I guess everything I experienced in the above is just part and parcel of life. And from here at this point, I learn again, and will get back up stronger.


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