Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Probably a weekend of self reflection where I re-read my Dayre posts from the start of my Dayre to this very day. I’ve updated a lot lesser these days compared to before this. I can’t really tell if I’m:
a) Contented with my everyday life right now.
b) Nothing interesting going on in my daily life.
c) More aware of my surroundings and not sharing too much over the internet.

 Maybe its d) all of the above.

I read back my past posts and I didn’t know that I could feel so much about a significant other. Back then was this whole puppy love thing where I spent every other day with this person to the extent where it was unhealthy. At that time, you can say I would drop everything I was doing for this person. I spent my time in college with this person, out of college with this person, and when we went to a separate university. It was really hard on me.

 The world revolved around this person and when he left, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know what to do every day and I kind of did not have any friends because well, I did not focus on my friends at all when I was in this relationship. There were many nights which I couldn’t fall asleep. I spent those nights questioning my worth. What went wrong? Why are things falling apart? Where I constantly told myself, “It’s okay” even when it is not. I drove myself crazy telling myself, maybe it’s me.

 When he went away for studies, well, I guess we both have had more time for ourselves. I don’t know much about him because we don’t even text as often, or we only talked on the phone once every few days, for about 10 minutes? And the call would always end in the library, “I have to continue studying.”

I was sort of forced to move on with life, but I’m glad I have the company, particularly at that point in time, the tam jiaks I spent most of my days in university, and also the college bunch, both who never questioned much about the whole situation. It was always good to hang out with them and I felt like I was slowly doing better. I slowly realized, I was done waiting for that 1 phone call every week because it will always end up the same old, “I’m busy.” and in disappointment. There are more other things to look forward to in my everyday life.

I realized, there was more to life than just being obsessed with this one person. So much to see, so much to do, and there were many other people around me who cared more about me at that point in time.

What confirmed my feelings? Probably one of it was when he was back for spring break and I realized, I didn’t feel excited to see him. It felt just…. Meh….

But I did not have the guts to end things, so I decided to just screw it. Cut all connections.

Until the day when I was finally ready to face this problem. But when he came back to Malaysia when he was done with his studies, we met up. But we did not even talk about how things ended. We probably understood that it ended. Or at least he did. I was always hoping for that closure.

It took me awhile to come to a realization to what went wrong. I was probably so obsessed with the person that it was suffocating. This was what went wrong. I wouldn’t say that it was only this that went wrong, but there were other things that went wrong too and both parties were at fault. I got my own closure after all.

In a way I am thankful for everything that has happened. Things could have turned out so different today, but nevertheless, no regrets. It wouldn’t make me the person I am today. Years on later, I can say that, well I genuinely wish that this person is well.

 Wow, I didn’t know I could write so long about that. Been reading my posts and realizing on a lot of things, I guess. One of it is, I couldn’t seem to care less anymore. Not too sure whether this is a good thing or not, but I think it is. In the past, whenever someone makes plans, I would think to myself:

“If I don’t go, then would he/she think of me in a bad way? Will he/she be unhappy with me?”

“If I don’t go, will they have more fun without me?”

All these kind of negative thoughts. Right now, I just couldn’t care less any more. If I felt like showing up, I would. And if I didn’t, well I would just not show up. Probably explains why my social circle now is so small wtf.

Also with this, i realize that now, i have more say over myself. I take charge and decide what i want for myself nowadays, rather than just following the flow. I tend to voice up and stand up for myself if i don't agree on something. I don't try to please others anymore.

And well, I'm more of myself. I'm not a girly girl. There are people telling me like "oh girls should not drink. Girls should not curse. Girls should not club."

I gave this person a piece of my mind. But why do people have to jump to conclusions? Someone may go to a club or a bar to hook up, but someone may just go clubbing just to have fun with her bunch or friends or catch up at the bar. Why do people jump to conclusions that it is the first option? And besides, you shouldn't be telling me what i should or shouldnt do.

When I first came out to work, I told myself, I had to be optimistic, go and make more friends.

The first year of work was fun with the constant outings, but that also led to constant drama. Where were these people when shit happened? And then you question yourself, for all those nights you’ve spent hanging out with them, wasn’t there sort of a bond where well, these ‘friends’, actually care about you? Erm, unfortunately, not the case. Some people just want to know what’s going on in your life not because they care about you, I guess they just want to know because they want something to talk about.

There were good times, which I do, at times, wish to relive, but well… Shit happens. This is the cold hard real world. And I told myself, I had enough. I should draw a line. Work is work. People from work stays at work. (Except few who make the cut)

Or at least I have to be skeptical of everyone, because well, despite how much I hate to say this, everyone has intentions, and not everyone wants the best for you. Everything that happened has made me a very pessimistic and careful person.

Well, in terms of work, it is really hard when well, the effort you put in in work may not be the same as others. Some people may put in more effort, which makes you question yourself. “If he can do it, why can’t I?”

And these sort of people that put effort are the ones that you look up to at work.

But there are also people who don’t bother to put any effort to at work. What is your purpose at a job? Are you hired just to just to do nothing, or to just be a corporate slave and have a fat pay check in your bank account? I mean at the very least, you have to be in this job for a reason right? It would be meaningless to work just for the money, wasting away your hours doing something you hate, or doing nothing at all. And besides, there is no such thing as free lunch in this world, when your employer hires you, of course you have to give it back in some form, which is your work, and it is your responsibility to shoulder it. (Probably because of this sense of responsibility that’s why I work so late everyday wtf)

But ugh. Why can’t people put in more effort in their jobs?!?!

Other than the usual updates, I have been having the travel bug lately. I have been wanting to travel but cannot make an effort to plan because I have yet to get my passport done yet because my current one is expiring. Which I do not have the time to. Government offices should be open even on weekends wtf. What about the working people who have no time to go make passport during office hours?!!??!

Also. Money! I have been worrying alot about this lately. The transition to an adult is definitely a huge one. There is so much more bills to settle, allowance for parents, insurance. And to save up for car, house, and investing.

Besides that, i guess i have been spending time bettering myself. Being able to visit the gym on a more often basis again makes me  really happy! Happier than having to go to work wtf. One thing i hate about going to the gym though is removing my make up... Which probably explains why i don't really wear make up nowadays because lazy. LOL. Most of the time i will rush to the gym after work for classes and i would like to book a proper spot because once you are late, you don't have a proper spot in the class because of other after work crowd who are even more kiasu wtf.

I am getting lazier at dressing up. Should probably put more effort in doing so cause well.... Sort of a way to feel better about myself i guess. But i don't see any new nice clothes lately or either they are ridiculously priced. Actually I'm rather annoyed. Like you see a nice dress and then when you turn it around it has some ugly detailing at the back. It happens rather often nowadays.

Ok enough of ranting here, toodles for now, till the next time I feel like writing as much again.

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