Its been awhile since I have written something personal over here.
(if anyone is still reading this)
Or maybe just a space for my verbal diarrhea on what is in my head right now at this point in time.
Here sipping on a my green tea with my vanilla scented candle and listening to music, just like how I always do in zaman dulu dulu in 2010.
Today an old friend of mine whatsapped me out of nowhere, have not seen him in years. Well we used to be close back then, but we don't see each other much, and even if we do we are awkward as fuck in real life.
Well, my and this old friend, our friendship started way back then, I met him in Standard 5, in primary school. (10 years ago)
We have this thing where we are supposed to switch places every week in class and it was through a lucky draw. Somehow, by just luck or maybe our teacher thought we were cute together, I sat beside him frequently in class. I don't quite remember about our friendship but I remembered we played catching a lot during recess, along with the rest of the class.
What I did not know was that I was a huge greedy pig. Apparently I coerced him to give me his Mamee Monster packet or else he would be in deep trouble. I do not remember any of that and I can't believe it up till this date.
I switched schools in secondary, and so I lost touch with almost all my friends in primary school. Well I guess I can say I wasn't really close knitted with anyone in primary school because I lived quite a distance from school (about an hour's bus ride) and I frequently could not attend gatherings after that.
One day, I was playing Maple Story in my secondary school life, and I happen to got back in touch with this friend from there. Well we poured out a lot to each other, and played Maple Story together and met a few great friends as well.
I guess I shared a lot with this particular friend, about how horrible high school was, how I was being a big brat to my family, syok sendiri high school crushes, embarrassing moments etc etc. He shared a lot with me too, about his relationship, school life etc. I guess it is quite easy to pour out to him because we have never met up in so long and he isn't really part of my life, and he won't judge me for whatever I have done, and he will not be able to do anything on whatever I have done as well.
We were close to the extent where his ex girlfriend saw me as a threat, but he told her, Florence and me? Come on, that will never happen. (Honestly a bit hurt here when he told me about it HAHAHA)
Anyways, only met up with him once or twice during this time, and he was like the person on the internet while I was the girl who talked a lot on the internet but super awkward in real life.
We lost touch 4 years ago, that was when he started college. Well it was time to grow up and move on with life I guess..
I did too, I stopped talking to alot of people I talked to over the internet (ie MSN Messenger, Maple Story days) because I moved on to college and met new people.
After college, I had to decide on what I want to do in university. Well, I already had my mind set on accounting but my mom was still quite adamant about it.
So I went to Sunway. Before I signed up and everything, I bugged this old friend about the details and he let me know about it. He was studying there and doing the course I wanted to do. So yeah, that was about it.
Saw each other a few times in Sunway and it was awkward, just hi and byes, how is ACCA treating you, what papers are you doing now? The usual questions when you meet someone along the way, we are all bad at doing this catch up thing.
What I do know about this person was, he had his mind set on what he wants already( Since he was 17 years old ok).He told me he would want to start working straightaway after his papers, and that was what he did and he said, after that he wants to climb the corporate ladder. I also know that he is a very smart person, he didn't have to study much, or he studied a lot during some ungodly hour where he was up early but no one else was up. He did well for his O levels and ACCA. He is also someone I look up to for passing the papers in one go.
Well, I still follow him and is friends with him on social media, but I never thought much about it.
Today, after four years, out of no where. he contacted me. It was damn random like "Merry Belated Christmas!"
My instant thought was like WTF? Why so random?
He started the conversation that he wanted to just talk to an old friend and see how is it going but he started saying things like, "You know, its funny how all those years ago I can complain to you about so many things in my life."
I answered him that to think about all those times it felt a little embarrassing and I don't know where to hide my face because in the past all the things I was complaining about, seemed really bratty right now.
He told me he was caught up in a similar situation he told me about 4 years ago. He said, he could only open up to two people from primary school, which is Kevin and me, and no one else from the present.
At that point in time, I felt...... Touched.
Well he could be just using me to tell me his sob story and then forget about me again like 4 years ago (That's just his loss then) But I chose to think that he really needs someone to listen to, so I did, and told him what he should do. (although I reminded him again that I give shitty advice)
Dunno, just felt like writing this down cause I felt so good, like, someone tells you that you actually mean something to them. I have never done anything spectacular for a friend before, nor I have any close knitted BFF relationships before. I struggle on how to be a proper friend, so I am quite touched lah someone appreciates my effort of being a good listener.
Also throughout the conversation, I realized what makes us able to maintain such a friendship in the past. It's because we have the same viewpoints about certain things - ie. finding it hard to open up to people, don't know how to start, where to start, feeling miserable all the time.
Then I asked about the people that have been in his life in the past 4 years, hasn't he came across anyone trustworthy enough to tell his problems to? He said, he couldn't because of his ego. I really should let him know that this ego of his is going to kill him in the future, if he really keeps everything to himself.
At that point however, I realized how much I have changed. I am not the same girl that feels miserable all the time now.
But there was a little bird who woke me up, who let me know that everything that happens in my life is not my fault. We can't change how things turn out, but of course, we learn from it, and brace ourselves so that we don't get into the same shit in the future again, in fact, we would improve ourselves and get involved in better things, and in fact, achieve what we actually WANT.
Sometimes, people may not like a certain part of you, but do not ever change for them, if you ever want to change, change for yourself, for you to be a better person.
Being miserable all the time will not change a single thing at all.
Negativity will consume you and in the end you'll be stuck at the same starting point, either you have been running around in circles, or go no where at all.
Though most of me is filled with negativity, I have been making progress I guess, to put myself out of my comfort zone, to get to know people better, to try to not think so lowly about myself.
I guess I have been opening myself up to more people too, that is what brings me to the people around me in my life today. If I never opened up to anyone else, I don't think any of them would be friends with me today. I think I have more friends that I can rely on than before this. Most importantly, I felt less alone than before, and much much more happier than before.
I may not be of much help at all, but I hope, his problem can be solved real soon. Actually I think my response to him now is way more better than 4 years ago lo! Hope I can spread some positive energy to him and make him see things in a better light, HAHAHA. (wtf)
Quite a pointless post but I guess I just wanted to write what was in my mind.
And also hoping that this small catch up isn't the last one. 10 years of friendship, don't play play.
Well, after our conversation, I went and click see friendship on Facebook, and I did not know where to hide my face.... Is that how secondary school kids really conversed? "Rawr~ What are you doing? x)"
Written at 3.33am.